I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize