Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I met the friendliest cop last night
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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