yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm both gender and math confused
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
