you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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