Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
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Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
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Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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