girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
