You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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