we're chasing vodka with high fives
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
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every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
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Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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