My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
