I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
