so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
