Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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