why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
