I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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