What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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