My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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