After last night, I could never be a politician.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
