I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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