my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Randomize
