My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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