Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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