my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
