i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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