Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Randomize
