Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
These tits shall not be calmed
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
