sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
