wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
