I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
