We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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