I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
