i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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