He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
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