My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I am mentally ready for anal.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize