i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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