I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
