I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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