Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
