Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
