Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
