can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize