So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
