A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
