New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
