We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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