im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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