Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
vagina is talking i cant
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
