dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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