she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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