You really coming over, don't trick.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Randomize
