My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
