Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
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Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
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He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Sorry my hands just texted you
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.