the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
sarcasm needs its own font
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
