I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
