Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
