His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
