the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
