She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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